By Waz
With football season over, meaning is hard to find. I’ve tried watching the NBA but I realized that just scrolling through Adrian Wojnarowski’s Twitter to see who the Cavs last traded off of their team is 10x more exciting than watching an entire game. I tried watching college basketball and turned on the #1 team in the country, hoping to get that exciting feeling that I once had during football season, but I fell asleep because of how slow Virginia played. I forgot hockey existed because there wasn’t a single highlight during my SportsCenter binge. I looked for ten minutes to find a live-stream of pitchers and catchers getting on a plane to fly to Florida to report, but no luck. Then I remembered that the Winter Olympics were going on. I flipped it on to NBC to watch some figure skating.
I watched a few countries skate. NBC was displaying the flags of the respective skaters in the top left corner. I saw some I recognized: Germany, The Netherlands, Canada. Then all of the sudden the next couple stepped on the ice and the flag was just the Olympic rings interlocking. I’m no geopolitical expert, but I was almost certain that no country had the Olympic logo as their flag. Seems like a conflict of interest. It turns out that these skaters were not from Olympicland or Olympicstan, but Russia, in fact. Bob Costas or Dan Patrick or someone explained that Russia is technically not allowed at this year’s Olympics, but some of their athletes are.
Why would the historically non-mischievous nation of Russia be banned from the Olympics? Well, I did some research and I uncovered that the reason was because some of their Olympic athletes were “doping.” I don’t condone this sinful act but it seems counter-intuitive to punish them. Recently there has been more of a pro-doping movement throughout our country, at least. The entire West Coast has now legalized doping, the kids all still watch those funny Seth Rogen movies probably, and the sounds of “Gangster Rap” music like that of Kendrick Lamar are sweeping the nation. I assumed that America, being the world leader it is, would have spread this movement across the globe and to the Olympic committee. It’s 2018, why would Russia be banned for such a frivolous crime? Well, I may have uncovered the answer.
The answer likely lies somewhere deep in the oval office, but thankfully there are documents available to the public that can lead you in the right direction. Just because I’m a journalist doesn’t mean I have access to secret information. I have access to the same things as you; I just look harder. Regardless of whether or not you think President Trump is working with Russia (as the liberal media would lead you to believe), he does have love for their country, culture, people, and specifically the women. I don’t know if the tapes are real, but he definitely has gotten peed on by Russian prostitutes at one time or another. My sex-positive readers know that travelling to a foreign land and getting covered in the piss of its people is enough to make you fall in love with it forever. The other world leaders aren’t stupid; they know this. And they don’t like when an outsider like President Trump invades their secret club of power. They have a vendetta against Trump and their way of seeking revenge is forcing him to watch the country and the people he loves most (Russian women with no shame) suffer.
Even more evidence can be found for this personal attack on the President by connecting some of the dots of the last president, President Obama. Many don’t know this, but Obama even admitted, in a book, that he used to smoke “dope.” Unlike Russia, Obama wasn’t suspended from office for this, and, as you may know, he even served a second term. Before he left office, he even pardoned a bunch of users of the substance known by scientists as “marijuana.” Obama was perhaps the most pro-dope president that has ever lived. Instead of waging war on drugs like the previous administration, he waged war on Christmas. Thankfully Christmas is back as Americans proved they didn’t have to get high to be jolly.
Even more disturbing is his daughter. She has been caught multiple times on camera doing crimes, such as smoking pot. The Boston Bomber was also caught on camera doing crimes, yet there is a key distinction between him and Malia Obama: he is in jail while she is still enrolled in one of the premier universities in the world. It’s hard to blame her for her actions. She likely picked up this destructive behavior from her father, a self-proclaimed marijuana addict. It is time for Malia to grow up. While she should be expanding her brain and learning as much as possible in college, she is instead getting high, hallucinating, and going on weed-induced “trips.” Not only is she wasting her life, but she’s wasting our tax dollars. After all, we did pay for her daddy’s salary for eight years.
Perhaps the biggest slap to Trump’s face after all of this was Obama’s portrait that was unveiled this week. Instead of a classic pose and setting, Obama posed for this portrait sitting down in front of a giant wall of marijuana. Take a look.
I’ve never done weed, I know the risk, but I’ve lost a few dear friends who did. Those leaves you see are rolled up to look like a green cigarette by a drug-dealer and then smoked and inhaled by an addict. The smoke has a toxic chemical that gets the user “high,” temporarily transporting their mind to an alternate dimension. Obama’s marijuana wall is not the wall that Donald Trump wants. While Obama is praised, the Russians are punished. It’s a shame that they will be ineligible for a gold medal just because of a glass bong.
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